Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just two away from a threesome last night...

   The confetti in times square, I bet that came from Edward Cullen farting.

   It's been 120 days and guess who is still sober ? Ted Kennedy

   ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ this is a stick-up... give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!

   thinks we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with

   wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT

   "Grandpa's ghost hovers all around the house. It's scary!" "He's not dead! And that's his Hoveround power chair!" "Well, he smells dead."

   The only funny thing about jay leno is that he's going to die someday.

   the wheels of the bus go round and round. And it's making me sick.

   I couldn't sleep last night! He wouldn't leave me alone, I told him to stop I wasn't in the mood. He wouldn't listen he began exploring my body...I woke up with mosquito bites all over. I guess he couldn't get enough of me!

   cutting the sleeves off my Snuggie because it makes me look more badass...

   ALL UR LIES you SAID, ' I love U' WAS MY FAVOURITE

   thinking people need to quit quoting Steve Wright he wasnt funny the first 50 billion times we've heard it

   Nickelback-Flash…..Why would Tiger Woods risk being seen at a Nickelback concert?......then again why would any guy risk being seen at a Nickelback concert?

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

   I cut myself while shaving today, because who has time to do both?

   Mark Zuckerburg is worth billions. Yet, he marries Priscilla Chan. He would have been better off with a mail order bride.

   When going out for sea food, I always order shark steak. Not because I like it.. but to show THEM who is really on top of the food chain.