Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Asian friend ordered a Crown and Coke but I hired a clown to do blow with him because I knew what he meant.

   I can't believe Lou Gehrig's parents named him after a DISEASE

   GOVERNMENT ADVICE When travelling in extreme weather conditions everyone to take with them, a bottle of water, some energy bars, a shovel, a hazard light and a blanket. I looked a right twat on the train this morning.

   proofreading can save your life... I sent a text from New Orleans to my wife that should have read, "Havin a blast, wish you were here". But instead it read, "Havin a blast, wish you were her".

   OH my god!!!!! are you crying ?!!!! no I`m impersonating a fountain. j

   This is an "A" and "B" conversation so "C" your way out before "D" jumps over "E" and "F"s you up like a "G"

   "It's being reported that Apple may be making a less-expensive plastic version of their iPhone. They're calling it a Samsung." ~Conan O'Brien.

   Does God love poor people more than rich people? to put it differently, Does God love lazy ass bums more than hardworking folks?

   I used to hate going to family weddings. All my aunts uncles used to poke me and say, "You're next!" They stopped doing it when I'd say the same thing to them at funerals

   My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that I could uncover with a group of misfits

   Twister. Its all fun and games til the cat comes up pregnant

   Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

   Evryone wants others to understand their feelings. But no one wants to understand what othrs feel

   What do the Smurfs and a Tiffany's diamond have in common? They both come in a little blue box.

   I asked my wife for a blowjob, she told me she gave blowjobs up for lint. So I brought home my girlfriend.

   I seen a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Stepdad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.

   tongue effing a hot pocket.........oh wait, is that one of the highly inappropriate status messages that makes christians unfriend me?

   Martin Luther King - I too had a dream. A great white shark came up through my floor boards to eat me and had train track braces on its teeth. Beat that Martin!

   curiosity didn't kill the cat ....... my car did!

   If I am ever investigated by the F.B.I. , I hope my investigation last as long as the Kavanaugh investigation lasted.