Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   so, you graduated from the school of hard knocks? Wow, very impressive...can I sleep with you??

   I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy

   By this point in December anytime I type 'amazing' into my phone it changes to Amazon so time to cut back online shopping and your sweater looks Amazon.

   The Gym was so crowded today I had to skip my workout. Fortunately, the line at KFC was shorter than usual. Already in Love with New Year's resolution

   BREAKING NEWS: Two cars had an accident in Mexico. Nobody died due to the cars being Lexus with airbags both stolen from the Houston area.

   How long do you think Tomi Lahren will wait to start sending nudes to Donald Trump Jr?

   No one respects women more than DT, because if they don't respect him he will grab them by the p@ssy."

   Yall scared of the virus, i'm scared of the vaccine!

   Jeremy Joseph Christain is a hero. America needs more people like him.

   Government should give us all free healthcare, it is our right.. This same government that has had a cure for cancer since the 60's, and still keeps it outlawed.

   Paul Manafort just offered to help Vladimir Putin move apartments.

   Tonight I'm gonna party like it's Dec 21th, 2012

   so you need at least 4 characters and a Capital to make a password. I hope I remember DonaldDuckMickeyMouseMineyMouseGoofyParis to log onto my emails!

   I <3 it when I come home & my dog does the happy dance, looks more like the lambada but wutever....

   I fear that if the Mississippi "life begins at conception" bill passes, my army of tissue babies will rise up & take over the world.

   I'm a member of the C.S.I.: "Can't. Stand. Idiots."

   Kelly Ripa and KrIsten Chenoweth are made from 100% recycled Dolly Parton scraps.

   Justin:mom one day I'm going to the moon . Mom: too late justin nasa stopped sending monkeys long time ago.jg

   ‎"Denver needed Peyton Manning because Tim Tebow has tossed more dirtballs than a Hooters bouncer."

   Saw a fat bird at the self checkout in ASDA today. She scanned an item and it started beeping 'Unexpected item in baggage area' - Salad.