Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like and enthusiastically comment on every photo your aunt has posted to facebook. Turn the tables

   I've just read read that Trevor Moore, the CEO of HMV, used to be the CEO of Jessops. I'm guessing that before that he was the navigator on the Titanic.....

   smart and psychopath are like peanut butter and jelly

   I suppose the Australians have never started a trend in real life, so why not just let them have their fun..

   I'm so horny, I could THINK off ...

   The karma of messing with a good girl is the h?e you end up with. This goes to all the players who think they are God's gift to women. Newsflash, you're not!!

   Stranger things have happened. Remember how Mary, Jesus's mother got pregnant without sex??

   A world where your intellect is measured by 'Followers' and 'Likes'.

   The way these kids are growing up now a days.. I'm scared for the future of society.. We're all going to Hell in a Handbag!

   *Steps outside house* *Sees some people* *Rushes back in*

   If the first thing you see after you die is a handbasket, check your undershorts for kerosene.

   To all of you expecting Mothers.....happy Labor Day.....

   Remember, today is the first day of the rest of your life so don't be that person that uses stupid cliche's. That's what I'm sayin! You know what I mean??

   My ex-step mom was so lazy I bought a black Snuggie for funerals.

   Point.. Wink.. Shoot finger gun.. Blow smoke from tip of finger gun.. Wipe prints off finger gun.. Bury finger gun where no one can find it.

   The best way to deliver bad news is a message frosted onto a cake. "You want a divorce?!" "Yeah, and a slice with a flower on it."

   This guy across the street does nothing but baby his car. OCD. Obsessive Car Detailing.

   I was ready to "chow down" at Burger King tonight until I heard their derelict employees have been using the lettuce for a foot bath. :/

   Silver for Phelps : ( Someone should have taped a blunt to the other end of the pool, then he would have won the gold.

   Curiosity killed the cat, but Satisfaction brought her back!