Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling equals 1 light year

   You know you've reached adulthood when you pause sex when the dryer buzzes...

   "Superdelagates" might as well be available on Stubhub.

   You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Kanye West in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.

   just like the calendar says, I "SAT" around all day today

   When things get me down, I always take a deep breath and go to my safe place....Taco Bell.

   Raise you hand if you are in bed on your phone.....

   [dogs around campfire] *flashlight on face*,,,,,,,,, And when I came back without the ball it was in his hand the whole time

   You want to get the PERFECT body, it's easy... 😮 Walk up hill, a lot.. & only eat meat. 👍........ *Sponsored by Ed's hillwalking & meats Ltd

   Give the gift of life. Become an organ donor. Hot singles in your area will appreciate it.

   Ladies; there is a difference between being stingy/cheap and being broke.

   I'm glad that money you didn't know you had can survive the wash and dry cycle

   The bartender just brought me a glass of water....seriously? I didn't come to a bar to get sober!

   Yay. ..Mr.Plow is here! Won't have to eat another kid.

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   I just got a great deal on a dairy cow. It's lactose intolerant.

   Dude how broncos are you?

   I just saw a man reading a book, so I'm basically an archeologist now.

   Silence is the last refuge.

   Imagine us on a date. Wrong. You're on fire.