Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One bite of a cookie, and suddenly your on a plane to vegas with a hooker. Wth

   Evolution is just nature's way of issuing upgrades.

   So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   I guess my second puberty where I get a pen!s is never going to happen.

   I just heard on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of cans of alphagetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster.

   We all have that one class where when you're absent, you feel like you've missed a year when you come back.

   Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

   Today's productivity is brought to you by Nescafé and fox's biscuits

   Slayed so many dragons, and still no damn princess.

   seriously thinking she was swapped at birth!

   Give back to your community what they claim to have given to you.

   Maybe its called Eclipse because they plan on playing a better movie over it, like Bob Villas rendition of how long it takes for paint to dry

   finally decided to Tie the Knot... the Four-in-Hand Necktie Knot - it's really the easiest to tie.

   If at first you don't succeed drink lots of Margaritas and blame that on your inadequacies.

   i used to get money.....actually I was just taking it

   I asked facebook in the help section what exactly is poke?facebook replyed me saying poke is a dirty animal

   Wishes you the best of luck in life!! Everyone else already knows your screwed!!

   wonders if criminals are starting to catch on that there isn't a lot of crime fighting happening during LOST?

   I do not have the time to listen to you whine, you melodramatic fool!!