Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first time I ever removed my clothes in front of a woman, she smiled and said it reminded her of an old song. "I asked, "Let It All Hang Out?" She said, "No. The Itsy Bitsy Spider."

   Quiet Riot is putting the band back together! First stop, Trump convention.

   Some crazy mofo in face paint and arm bands just crashed through the Pearly Gates and power-slammed St. Peter. Badass!

   Anyone know what position Michael Sam will be playing for the Rams? Tight End or Wide Reciever ??

   given your computer the Swine Flu Virus

   I say we should build a Multi-religion facility to appease all religions near the 9/11 site.

   I bet Jesus was pissed that he missed the whole weekend and then woke up on a Sunday when the liquor stores are closed.

   Live everyday as though its your last........ and one day, you'll be right.

   Just heard Mandela died in a fiery car crash...

   If your ex texts you, its probably because they tried to replace you, but failed.

   Who had a better Sunday, Phillip Seymour Hoffman or Peyton Manning???

   If you look at "OMICRON," add the letters "SETAGLLIB" and then remove the letters "NORCIMO," the remaining letters spell "BILL GATES." Makes you think, doesn’t it?

   "You can take my car! Just don't take my gas! - Me, to a carjacker.

   With his short term memory he may not remember colluding with putin

   I just got flipped-off from a guy in a Smart Car, he almost tipped over his car

   says "If Heat Rises, Surely Heaven is Hotter Than Hell"

   Dear god, please can we swap Justin Beiber for someone with some actual talent?.. say Michael Jackson would be good...

   Canada is the gay brother of English-speaking countries.

   Now all the lil boys can sleep easy ( no more nightmares about being kidnapped and flown to neverland)

   So let me get this straight -- they left the porridge on the table and went for a walk, and the 3 bowls cooled down at different rates?