Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a fighter not a lover, but I will love for what I fought.

   People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented

   Just gave all of my McDonalds ketchup packets to the hobo on the corner. What? He might find a dumpster burger later.

   Producers say 2-1/2 men won't go with out Charlie Sheen, I bet that makes that other guy and that kid feel good.

   WHEN I SAY "NO OFFENSE, BUT...." YEAH, I'M ABOUT TO OFFEND YOU.

   Women. You can't live with 'em, and yet they're everywhere.

   I neverr get jealous when I see my ex with someone else because my parents taught me to give my toys to the less fortunate

   Alright ladies that b!tch and moan about men all the time....Either find a girlfriend or STFU and join in the game!! You're either with us or against us!!

   Donald Trump insinuated that his election game is so “Trump tight”, that his supporters would let him get away with murder so that he could become the next President of the United States.

   I am wondering what type of Easter eggs they are eating this weekend at Trump rallies....

   My cat just jumped down from on top of the counter onto my laptop on the desk, opening David Bowie "Heroes" on iTunes. And now he's the coolest person I know.

   Don't forget to Spring ahead this Sunday!

   I wonder what America's bald-headed eagle could do to Canada's beaver?

   Trump was missing from Miss Universe contest. Did El Chapo's escape have anything to do with it, being a mexican?

   If the zombie apocalypse ever happens I'm just going to surround my house with outward facing treadmills... I should be fine.

   I guess God can only do bad things to the earth when the earth passes between the sun and the moon.

   Dude, it's just another Friday. I would expect the religious ppl to be at work on time as well.

   I don't know why they don't just call iPhone chargers Apple Juice

   Someone who unplugs your phone at 3% to charge theirs at 97% is capable of killing you.

   typing up a letter to the producers of "Unsolved Mysteries"...maybe they can figure out how many damn licks it takes to get to the center of a damn Tootsie Pop!!!!