Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   chinese calendar year of the cow . . .we had mad cow disease.Year of the bird . . .we had avian flu.This year its the year of the tiger...and well we have tiger woods' 'am not a prostitute,am just a sex addict' disease.Hope our women understand.

   just used my get out of work free card, Headed to Boardwalk

   saw that the actress who plays Ginny Weasley and the actor who plays Jasper Hale are engaged. Way to try and end the Harry Potter/Twilight fued.

   reminds you that silence is golden, but duct tape is silver

   Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

   knows that running the air conditioner 24/7 hurts the environment, but the Earth needs to be punished *somehow* for being so bloody hot.

   Has heard that there is going to be a movie about the greatest golfer to every play the game. It's called "crying tiger.. hidden mistress"

   is kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

   Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop

   Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.

   thinks if in this day and age Mary had a little lamb, the doctor would go, "Damn! another artificial insemination gone wrong, SOMEONE KEEP THE ANIMAL SPECIMENS IN ANOTHER FREEZER"!!!!

   trying to put my m&m's in alphabetical order...

   Please Don't Give me The "Sorry, He's Not Usually Like this, He's Really Sweet When it's Just us Two Alone Speech" maybe you should, um.. give it to Yourself!"

   do some people have common sense!We are classmates then you send me a request to be your fan!not even friend,FAN!stupid twat!Go jump off a cliff!

   I'm just a nobody, nobody's perfect, therefore I am perfect

   shoving crayons up her nose to brighten up her personality

   EVERYBODY: [1] HAVE FUN TONIGHT. [2] WANG CHUNG TONIGHT.

   I am definitely spending too much time on this here internet thing. Today some rude dude bumped into me and I said to him out loud, "Double-you Tee Eff?!"

   I'm sorry ________, that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine you wanted is still on back order.