Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.

   Jingle Jangle With The Camel, is my favourite Arab Movie.

   I got stopped by a cop the other day. He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?" I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

   loving his new padded room,

   lives in her own world... They know me here.

   If you were this awesome, your name would be X as well.

   chinese calendar year of the cow . . .we had mad cow disease.Year of the bird . . .we had avian flu.This year its the year of the tiger...and well we have tiger woods' 'am not a prostitute,am just a sex addict' disease.Hope our women understand.

   just used my get out of work free card, Headed to Boardwalk

   saw that the actress who plays Ginny Weasley and the actor who plays Jasper Hale are engaged. Way to try and end the Harry Potter/Twilight fued.

   I'm sorry ________, that model D83 Swedish sure-grip suck machine you wanted is still on back order.

   I'm always thinking one step ahead...like a carpenter...that makes stairs

   If you look up “cool” in the dictionary, you'll see a picture of me. I like to deface dictionaries.

   knows that running the air conditioner 24/7 hurts the environment, but the Earth needs to be punished *somehow* for being so bloody hot.

   Has heard that there is going to be a movie about the greatest golfer to every play the game. It's called "crying tiger.. hidden mistress"

   is kind of surprised I'm not an action figure by now.

   If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

   Love is photogenic; it needs darkness to develop

   Tresspassers will be shot. Survivors will be prosecuted.

   thinks if in this day and age Mary had a little lamb, the doctor would go, "Damn! another artificial insemination gone wrong, SOMEONE KEEP THE ANIMAL SPECIMENS IN ANOTHER FREEZER"!!!!

   trying to put my m&m's in alphabetical order...