Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is a special place on earth for people who recognize that religion is bulls hit.

   Wanted to 69 with a hottie in Canada, but I couldn't figure it out with the exchange rate and metric system. So instead I've been jerking off while yelling "USA, USA!!" in the business district in Montreal instead.

   Eating an apple a day for an entire year can make you turn into an iPhone.

   woke up in the morning feeling like P Diddy

   Why do restaurants even offer Large drinks when your dining in..? Of course i'm not gonna pay an extra 90 cents for a large drink when I can just get refills on the smallest cup you guys have. Work on that.

   For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

   My invisible make believe deity can beat up your invisible make believe deity

   Dislikes the "Green Earth" placards in the hotel bathrooms. Hang up the towel, you save the earth from extinction....leave a towel on the floor....a panda dies !

   I broke wind in front of an elderly customer today. She didn't think it was funny as I did.

   Kiss me I'm not Irish

   One thing's for sure. The residence in Texas now believes in global warming.

   Irresponsible is when your neighbor doesn't pay their wifi bill.

   My only form of communication today is shaking my head.

   If I have to wear a mask to protect your health, I’m gonna slap that McDonald’s outta your hands too.

   If you’re having a bad day go ask a two-year-old to say Sasquatch

   Born again? Why? Was the first time really that bad?

   Crabs can't eat hotdogs because they just keep cutting them into tinier and tinier hotdogs.

   Mrs Schwarzenegger say to her housekeeper, "oh Patricia,I suspect my husband is having an affair with his secretary" Patricia replies, "No ma, you saying that just to make me feel jealous"

   "I'm a Flirt In A Skirt, A Tease If Past My Knees & A Slut If Past My Butt"

   Nike is coming out with a new Lebron ringtone app for I-phone.....the only problem is it dont have any RINGS!!!!