Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No, I'm not cheap, I'm just smart with my money.

   Reasons people claim to be gay: 3% - are actually gay 97% - forgot to log out of facebook

   Have you ever pushed a door that said pull?

   I LOVE beating women..... to the door so I can hold it open for them

   If you are what you eat, then are cannibals the only true humas??? O_O

   If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

   I have several McDonald's plastic food trays, because once you've snorted a bunch of coke off of one, you feel guilty about putting it back.

   bind people should hook up with burn victims, not only do looks not matter, they may be interesting reading too

   If you blow my high, you owe me weed.

   MOM: Back in the day we didnt have internet…ME:” well thats just too bad for you.

   I wanna build a house on the graves of the two dead kids from Poltergeist.

   Elton John had a lovely speech for Witney before his concert in vegas tonight,,then he preceded to sing don't let my son go down on me..

   Last night my wife and I had a dinner party. About Halfway through it, I decided to walk the dog. My wife went mental and told me to grow up and stop doing tricks with my yoyo.

   I hope Snooki doesn't have problems while giving birth, otherwise the Dr. will be saying "Uh oh, looks like we're having a little Situation"

   on a first date I like to make women feel at ease by loudly and clearly proclaiming "I had nothing to do with Columbine" early on

   What's the form of public transit most rife with filth and disease? Let's name our sandwich shop after it

   I want to see a pregnancy test commercial where 2 single people high five each other because it’s negative.

   Strawberry pancakes are just like regular pancakes but they got arrested for coke possession and picking up a prostitute in 1999.

   I embarrassed my friend the psychic with a surprise birthday party.

   In South Africa we have a president named Jacob Zuma, do you know him?