Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Please leave these cops alone. Killing humans is addictive af, especially when you are protected by the law.

   AwesoME ends with ME and Ugly starts with U.

   I have to go shopping. I got run over by a steam roller yesterday and need to get me a pair of size 200 x 14 pants.

   The earliest bird gets the worm, and the second mouse gets the cheese

   I'll never understand when someone says that they hate to drink water. To me, that's like saying you hate breathing. "Hey, uh, would you happen to have something to breathe other than air?"

   I was told the clocks go back this weekend, but I can't remember where I bought them...

   Some girls be claiming "hes my world" but this is your fourth "world" in 2 months. My sister, are you building a solar system??

   I'm not saying all Uber drivers are bad drivers, but 100% of Uber drivers are bad drivers

   #BeBest - Excludes 16 year old girls with Asperger's

   Corona Virus,NO NOT THE BEER PLEASE GOD NO!!🍺

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   what do you call it when a cow is sitting down? ... ground beef

   So Joe Exotic was the first gay man to run for president not Mayor Pete #TigerKing

   Animal rights activists are currently looking for rabbits to volunteer for vaccine testing.

   I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met some of Andy's mom's toys. Especially since they probably have the same names...

   I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.

   I'm the reason Waldo is hiding

   Pretty sure that Flynn wants immunity so he can confess that he was the one who took a deuce in the urinal.

   R. Riley is so fat and over-weight, Thanos has to snap twice.

   You know your farts must really stink when you fart and your dog gets up and leaves the room.