Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way

   My Mom sent me a friend request.... BLOCKED, you not one of my lil friends remember?

   My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.

   Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you Husband: well you’re here with me Me: oh yeah Husband: and we’re at a funeral

   Everyone saying the world has gone mad while pointing at each other is proof the world has gone mad.

   Guys we're having "Little Seizures" tonight!

   Random Person: "It's hard to to get people to unfollow me on Twitter." Kayne West: "Hold my beer.".

   If at frist you don't succeed........ Read the instructions

   this a Royal Wedding or the Kentucky Derby? The hats make it confusing. I'm taking ""Camilla" to Show.

   Doctor: It’s a girl Me: *starts sobbing* Doc: Are you OK? Me: Yes I'm just thinking about all the free alcohol she's going to get

   Remember that old phone commercial "Reach out, reach out and touch someone. Reach out, reach out and just say hi. " I always wondered if they could of reach out and touched that someone, why would they of needed a phone to call them?

   Like the 20th century used sex to sell things, the 21st century uses rage. Wonder what it will be for 22nd?

   They say that opposites attract...... So I'm looking for a drug adicted unemployed drunk girl.

   Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life?......... I do.

   Texbook: a tex message that way too long.

   Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

   ive been seeing this girl in my building for about 2 weeks,but its over now she caught me and threatened to call the cops.

   It's not the fall off a tall building that kills you. It's the sudden stop.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.