Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear police: if you're going to racial profile, how about you check out the white boy dressed like he's in the matrix

   Anyone up for making some "debris", throwing it into the Gulf of Mexico after midnight, and saying that we found the missing plane? #AprilFoolsJoke

   Hello passengers, this is your pilot speaking and it's going down. I'm yelling timber

   I pooped all over myself, can I NOW collect a Dallas Cowboys paycheck?

   "Hey Baby, My Magic watch says you don't have any underwear on" "Oh, You do?" "It must be 15 Minutes fast ' :)

   I stepped right out in front of a smart car just now. I wasn't scared. A collision with my ass would destroy that thing.

   Does it bother anyone else to see so many men excited about watching other men in tights??

   gf,, wants more romance,,Does anybody know where I can get a noble steed and an unrealistic amount of stamina?

   An Italian chick Linda Orsini, had a lesbi@n girlfriend named Jeannie. To her partner she said, "let's have pasta in bed", and they both enjoyed cunnilinguini.

   I'd just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.

   apparently Conrad Murray wasn't a SMOOTH CRIMINAL like he though. now if he drops the soap he gets a THRILLER.

   You better watch out, you better not cry, better not pout, I'm telling you why: you're 11 years old and you have an iPhone, HELLO?!?!?!?

   I looked in the bathroom mirror this morning and saw my Dad looking back at me. We should stop taking baths together.

   the world is made of 2 types. Men and crazy people.

   The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard" ?*

   Wow I get alot of e-mails.... I can't believe so many "singles in my area are dying to meet" me. It's probably all of the I-pads I've won and money they are sending to my bank account from The Nigerian Chambers Of Commerce . Since Prince Howgul Abul Arhu

   I bet the old guys that apply for the mall Santa job positions are undercover pedophiles.

   My New Year's Resolution For 2012: I Vow Only To DRINK ON THE DAYS That Ends With The Letter "Y" (-̮•̃)

   To all the people claiming how much better the android is then the iPhone id like to see you ask your android "where da hoes at!?" and get a response like "there are 3 amount of strip clubs near by.

   Finally baked my wife her favorite cake. She took one bite and spit it out. I feel so stupid....she meant "Carrot Cake" not " Parrot Cake" That was a wasted trip to the pet store.