Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   throwing away happy tissues

   "likes it when people call him ""kitten"" "

   If wishes and buts were candy and nuts, Obama supporters would have the White House filled with pimps and sluts

   Teach a child to be polite and courteous, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

   Remember this next time you're about to say something stupid to me: Silence is golden, but duct tape is silver.

   I've come here to chew bubble gum and get laid. Looks like I'm all out of bubble gum.

   Just watched Precious.... I believe the Best Supporting Actress should have totally gone to Mariah Carey's moustache. P.S. Eminem just wrote a rap song about tapping that moustache and even has a sample from a voice mail the flavor saver left him....

   going to stop being so indecisive, no wait, yes I am, maybe..... I guess I will try again tomorrow or maybe sometime next week.

   ear Saturday Morning, If at all possible, I would like to postpone our meeting until around 11AM as I have a conflicting appointment with Mr. Sandman

   hates it when people use the term "FOLKS". Are we on Green Acres?

   May contain nuts.

   Just gonna stand there and watch me roar, but that's alright because I am a dinosaur.

   When you ask a person in a strange town for directions why do they say 'I haven't got a clue'? Don't they understand that you want directions instead of clues?

   As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead, he jaughed. You know he's been there before.

   What did one lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog? Hey, we really DO taste like chicken!!

   Amanda Bynes is the new Linsay Lohan.

   Marriage is like a public toilet.Those waiting outside are desperate to get in.Those inside are desperate to get out

   Whenever a bird poops on my car I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   I missed Obama's speech....Someone please tell me there will be a rebroadcast translation of Obama's speech into Pirate speak this afternoon??

   thinks that if ever there comes a time when air is going to be sold, I bet the first people to start that business would be the guys making potato crisps....well, they are already selling us bags of air with some crisps!