Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever go missing I want my picture on a beer bottle rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   If you get with me you will be (Mg,Fe)7Si8O22(OH)2

   What ship has never docked in Liverpool???? The premiership :) :) :)) :) :))) :)

   How many times do you need the same person to piss in your mouth before you figure out urine doesn’t taste good?

   They should have travel agents for poor people who offer affordable weekend getaways to the homes of people who can afford to go on vacation

   My neighbours are listening to some awesome music today.... I hope they don't tell me to turn it down!!

   I don't care about high gas prices!... I always put $20 dlls in my car!. 

   2 girls and 1 guy, 0 self respect

   Before the Internet I could just move to a new state and start my high school women's gymnastics coaching career all over again.

   Never play leap frog with a Unicorn.

   "Excuse me ma'am?... I'd like to return this Birthday Suit." ... "Sir, you're naked." ... "Where's your manager!?"

   "Herpes!"-What I see when your Facebook status says "Vegas, baby!"

   When I wake up I like to play a little game called "Goddamn Good Reason to Leave This Comfortable Bed."

   No one will ever love you as much as I don't.

   Apple is now making incontinence products for the aging American consumer... iPEED will be on your store shelves soon.

   Christina aguilera, Miley Cyrus, Annette Funicello is rolling over in her grave....

   Saw a bird poo on a Smart car. Totaled it.

   If your kid graduates high school you were smart and voted for Trump.

   Question, can Donald Trump be charged with negligent homicide for his failure to do all possible to assist the citizens of Puerto Rico?

   watching you having a wank