Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After just 3 min. of reading a MAXIM in a waiting room, I grew a thick goatee & told a nurse to "Make me a damn sandwich."

   your teeth are so yellow, I can't believe it's not butter

   I can smell Plutonium a mile away....Pu.

   My american friends!! While you are enjoying your BBQ's, cookouts, and family get togethers! Please remember what this Independence Day truly represents! Today Will Smith AND Jeff Goldblum saved the population of earth from alien oppression by uploading a

   Hey Little Drummer Boy -the Roman Army's hunting us, we're hiding in a barn & the baby's sleeping. Maybe STFU w/the drum.

   If Practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

   Being strangers, then friends, then more than friends, then strangers again.

   Using your phone very strategically when it hits "Low Battery."

   Remember when people use to say "duh, you owe me one"........What heck was the "one" you owe?

   Thinks Time Is Precious....Use It Wisely...

   next time someone with bad breath steps to you repeat the following.. " I dont mean to be mean but you need some listerine, not a sip not a swallow but the whole Damn bottle"..

   Look at the keyboard ... you and I are together - look underneath, it says JK. LMFAO

   Goldilocks was an illegal alien

   For Sale: 24 pedigree pigeons, call 0161 123 1234 and ask for Tyrone......

   doesn't always drink beer, but when he does, he has the Dos Equis Guy serve it to him in a dress

   Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

   Only one year away from everyone status' reminding us that we only have a few days left to live on Earth! It's not funny now, and it won't be funny then!

   the best gift is the one that keeps giving Thats why I bought my wife a stripper pole this year

   took your survey, sent you a round, tended your garden, poked you, hugged you, and sent you 10 useless gifts. It's hard being a Facebook friend.

   IPhone 4 should have just came out on T-Mobile b/c they have one thing in~\..........Hello, Hello...../~common