Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mitch McConnell and donald trump: The new story book version of the tortoise and the hare.

   Kim Kardashian in the White House is, Kim Thong Un.

   Writing a book - it's about a good looking high level general in an Islamic country that wants to change his daily routine. So he makes a deal with a world power to fake his death. In return for his intel, he gets a massive payout & 70 hookers in Miami!

   Women are like dog doo, hear me through, don't interrupt It's just the older that they are, the easier they get to pick-up

   If I learned anything from our great president, it's that I should abandon all my allies and embrace all my enemies.

   Sometimes when I have my friends over I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party!

   Ke$ha looks like she leaves tampons in for dangerous stretches of time.

   I was thinking about becoming a comedian, but I don't think I'm sad enough.

   Ever feel like ur a vibrator? Good enough to stick up someone's ass to please them and then ur tossed into a drawer until you good enought to be used again!

   One of my friends just called me and said his internet was not working...I told him to reset his router and he said "I can't, it's in my neighbors house" LOL

   for every "I give a duck face" a girl puts on facebook, a guy on the opposite side of the screen gives an "I don't give a f°çk face"!

   Fake people wish you the best... as long as it benefits them. I call em' PENNIES... twofaced and worthless

   Teacher: If I saw a man beating a dog and stopped him, what virtue will I be showing? Student: Brotherly love!

   Madonna got a bunch of So-U-think-you-can dance rejected contortionist, and circus animals, and that monkey on a Rope......Someone Shoot the monkey. Wait What da???.........

   I wonder if aliens ask each other, do you believe in humans?

   With pants sagging as low as yours, what do you plan on doing if you suddenly get into a brawl? Cuz I'm going to pants the sh** outta you and run!!!!

   So Chris Brown is starting a new US tour. First he's going to hit Savannah, then Charlotte and then Madison. And then and only after he's hit all three will he start touring

   If beautiful was an hour.... You'd be an eternity. :)

   If it was really a "smart phone" it would know to tell me to wash my hands before I touch it.

   the girl from Subway was saying she can't wait to go home and smoke a blunt! Nice customer service girls.