Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Don't get Donald Trump started on how Sleepy Eyes Chuck Todd is no match for Dreamy Eyes Sean Hannity.

   If the plan was to hire a press secretary so incompetent that it distracts people from the Administration's incompetence, then today was a very successful press conference indeed.

   I wonder if John McCain is still a war hero in the eyes of Trump?

   Mitch McConnell and donald trump: The new story book version of the tortoise and the hare.

   Kim Kardashian in the White House is, Kim Thong Un.

   the USPS should make stamps of Donald Trump just so everyone can say "I have a 'Trump Stamp' "

   Did you know the women in Trump's family learned a long time ago how to protect their private parts when Trump is around them.

   Neighbor are the only one who lissen to both side of an argument.

   Yesterday evening on 60 Minutes was the first time for a lot of men that they didn’t have to verify that they were over the age of 18 before they seen Stormy Daniels.

   Writing a book - it's about a good looking high level general in an Islamic country that wants to change his daily routine. So he makes a deal with a world power to fake his death. In return for his intel, he gets a massive payout & 70 hookers in Miami!

   Women are like dog doo, hear me through, don't interrupt It's just the older that they are, the easier they get to pick-up

   Sometimes when I have my friends over I call the cops on myself so the neighbors think I'm having a kick-ass party!

   Ke$ha looks like she leaves tampons in for dangerous stretches of time.

   I was thinking about becoming a comedian, but I don't think I'm sad enough.

   Ever feel like ur a vibrator? Good enough to stick up someone's ass to please them and then ur tossed into a drawer until you good enought to be used again!

   One of my friends just called me and said his internet was not working...I told him to reset his router and he said "I can't, it's in my neighbors house" LOL

   for every "I give a duck face" a girl puts on facebook, a guy on the opposite side of the screen gives an "I don't give a f°çk face"!

   Fake people wish you the best... as long as it benefits them. I call em' PENNIES... twofaced and worthless

   Teacher: If I saw a man beating a dog and stopped him, what virtue will I be showing? Student: Brotherly love!

   Madonna got a bunch of So-U-think-you-can dance rejected contortionist, and circus animals, and that monkey on a Rope......Someone Shoot the monkey. Wait What da???.........