Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   infomercials have taught me that no one can do anything right if its done in black and white. Do things in color, problem solved.

   Fuller than a tick on a fat dogs ass!

   You know when you are about to say something but that little voice of reason prevents you from it. Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   What happens at the sleepovers, Stays at the sleepovers.

   I had this crazy dream that I was on facebook writing about how I hate my insomnia. Oh wait (posted at 2am)

   Mondays are part of a vast right-wing conspiracy.

   Yellow Starburst are like the fat kids in gym class. Always picked last and no one really wants them.

   Damn!! Its worrying! Even Osama bin laden is not safe in Pakistan!

   Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child. I saw that movie.

   Babies are one of my many areas of expertise. Growing up I performed my own circumcision. -Dwight Schrute.

   I hate it when you accidentally scrub a Healing wound cuz you forgot its there.

   ‎99 problems... 99 bottles of beer on the wall... Problems solved.

   Well fellas another one bit the dust.......that's right he got married! Let us pray for him........................May GOD protect him, and that his wife will have mercy on his soul! And friend, I think it's time to start tweaking the whole " I, (name), a

   I'm pretty sure when Charlie Sheen said he had "Tiger Blood" in him, he was referring to the golfer, not the animal. duh!..Winner!

   I guess ima go to school in my boxers tomorrow since it's pajama day

   hopes the walls stops moving before his manager notices he's drunk

   Im not sure if its your bday or not so I'll give you a HAPPY and maybe send the BIRTHDAY later

   The only thing to believe in is to not believe in anything.

   Donald Trump's approval rating has dropped to 37%. Norman Bates scored higher with his mother.

   If I learned anything from our great president, it's that I should abandon all my allies and embrace all my enemies.