Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must be a lesbian trapped in a man's body... 'coz when I see an "all you can eat" sign, my mouth gets so wet...

   The day I can't help a freiend is the day I have something better to do

   The average doorknob has more cooties on it than 700,000,000 very dirty anuses.

   Got these new jeans made by children in a sweat shop. A friend asked, "Ed Hardys?" "No, Fed Hardlys".

   When I was born I was so surprised, I didnt talk for a year and a half..

   Lebron's inner monologue when asked about cavaliers fans: "I want them to resize my ring so I can show it to them in my middle finger"

   Adele is pregnant and now the world's food supply is danger. The mayans were right

   What do people in China call their good dishes?

   I will not be happy until I get everybody thinking about my nutsack hanging out of my unzipped, yet buttoned jeans, every time they see

   Thank god there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction at this year's Superbowl.

   I think before a suicide bomber decides to blow himself up, he should smell puppy breath. I bet it'd stop almost all of them.

   my wife just served me breakfast in her sexiest underwear....... would have prefered it on a plate though. the beans and egg leaked through the gusset.

   I don't know what Squidward's problem is. I would love to live next to SpongeBob!

   Jesus may have rose from the dead on this day, but I'm having trouble just rising out of bed!

   Took 2 benedryl last night. When I woke up, my best friend was missing, and Mike Tyson's tiger was in my bathroom.

   the best. Blink to agree ( :

   I hate the people who point at their wrist asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

   woamn goes to clothing store. clerk asks if she nedds help. woman says "im looknig for a tie that makes my husbands blue eyes stand out" clerk says "make it tight enough & any eyes stand out"

   Don't be like a Pilgrim this Thanksgiving going around spreading disease.

   OK. Who is the genius that decided to call it "emotional baggage" and not "griefcase"?