Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope I never get renal failure. I've really come to enjoy having a functioning renus.

   Surround yourself only by people who are going to lift you higher!

   Gum: The real key to popularity. ;)

   Thinks womens heads, as the hardest thing known to man, should be studied, to make new bullet proof vest and armor for our tropps.

   Snooki plans to have a baby!.......... WHAT?? What did you say Kanye? "Beyonce's own was better!!!"

   ʎdɐɹǝɥʇ uoısɹǝʌuı ʎɯ ɯoɹɟ sʇɔǝɟɟǝ ǝpıs buıɹǝɟɟns ɯɐ ı ʞuıɥʇ ı

   Aren't those youngsters nice, they turn up their "music" so we can listen to it too!

   Gas has become so expensive, I have stopped taking Tums...every little helps you know:)

   I didnt think there was a winner at the game of fetch until I threw the ball and it bounced off the wall and hit me in my face giving me a bloody nose AND black eye... guess the wall won this round

   Google is only 12 years old and knows even more than me.

   I hate it when people get distracted while they are talking...oooh, look, a butterfly

   Hey girl, did it hurt when you fell from heaven after Lucifer's rebellion?

   I hate that awkad moment when a dumb b!tch likes a Facebook page called "I Hate Dumb B!tches."

   dear porche driver who pulled out infront at the last minute so I had to slam on the brakes dont forget next time il hit you and it will cost your more money to fix your car than mine

   I have this medical condition that makes me pee in a hot tub as soon as I get in it.

   BIRTH: It goes in like a banana and comes out like a pineapple.

   Hah! Got my inflatable Santa Jesus up before you this year, Henderson. SUCK IT, CHRISTMAS LOSER!!!

   Just found out other countries like bahamas, Africa and Russia are issue warnings not to travel to the US if you're a black person. When is Syria going to issue there warning?

   Hey, law enforcement. Arrest and question every black guy with dreads. I have a hunch.

   The Republicans and the Libertarians should merge their Presidential tickets. Then Trump could really talk about his Johnson!