Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You’re like a thief tryna avoid setting off the motion lasers in a museum when you want to leave bed after a cuddle without waking her up

   I am not joking who ever pissed off mother nature Stop!

   Some families are like Snickers Bars. Mostly sweet, with a few nuts!

   I'm going to be nice in describing the woman eHarmony matched me up with. Since it occupies the area in front of the head, it must be a face.

   If a woman ever calls you a "goofball", don't take it the wrong way. What they are actually saying to you is, "You are SO getting laid."

   my valentine is Manti Te'o's old girlfriend....forever alone

   I wonder what possibly could a hot dog have done to receive such attention...

   Dudes be talking that "I fear nothing but god" b.s but let a loose pitbull start running down the street.

   Me seek revenge? Nah, I don't stoop that low. I'm just gonna sit here and let karma run it's course ;)

   If you don't know what you want, you will end up with a lot of sh!t you don't want.

   The only difference between fear & excitement is your mind-set… Fear says, “Oh no! Excitement says, Oh WOW!

   Who cares, no one flys with Air Canada anyway!

   A lot of ladies use fancy face creams at night to look younger, where as I just wear my retainer and read “The Hunger Games”.

   Dear sleep, I know we had our problems when I was young... but I love you now.

   I've finally found someone I can love - a good, clean love... without utensils.

   New aerobic workout: step outdoors without mosquito spray. And TRY to keep them off of you.

   Michael Imperioli is really pissed off about tequila.

   I am never satisfied, there is always room for improvement. That applies to sex too.

   wondering what Hugo Chavez is thinking right about now.

   It appears the Dog Whisperer wasn't 'calm' and 'assertive' enough during his divorce settlement negotiations. .