Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   $50 bucks for a 3lb Honey Baked Ham. It sure better come with Honey, and her sister.

   “No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk. So y

   A gross miscalculation is 144 times worse than a regular miscalculation.

   Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

   Just watching the news who said "The coronavirus is affecting the most dense populated aria's" but think they meant to say "densely" but maybe not.

   If someone has "some colledge" listed on their education history, the fact that they misspelled "college" is a pretty good indication that "some 3rd grade" is probably a more accurate assessment.

   It's that time of the year when stores play that rapey "Baby It's Cold Outside" song

   Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.

   Can't believe Gronk didn't wait until 6/9 to retire!

   Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

   I think I'm all done reading Facebook. Any recommendations what to read next?

   Plans for St. Patrick's Day next year involve putting green dye into some corona's, sitting in my room alone, and watching Supernatural.

   I was just informed that The Purge: Independence Day is just a movie. Does anyone know a good defense attorney?

   The FIRST Rule of Marriage Club is .... She's ALWAYS Right.

   Any of you folks finding that a litter box is just more convenient than a toilet?

   Can we stop calling it medical marijuana and go back to just calling it marijuana yet?

   I was ending my email with 'regards' and didn't realize I hit the 'T' button instead of the 'G'

   Instead of Olympic Gold, Silver or Bronze medals, winners receive copies of a Purple Heart made in China. Losers are fired.

   Breaking news!!!! US Airforce seen dropping naked Trump statues onto an ISIS Stronghold In Northern Syria!!!!!

   Heyyyy Chill out. Were NOT building a wall... Just kidding D-Bagz , of course we are.