Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.

   Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.

   Just trying to figure out how I'm going to lower my income to under 400k. And then be expected to survive on that!?

   A cross pollinator is a worker bee who asked the queen out on a date, but was told she only liked him as a friend.

   Welcome back to 1956!

   "What's Michelle Obama's favorite vegetable?? Barackoli.."

   Christmas; Another day of choreographed kindness and fake concern.

   The way Donald Trump’s season is going, he’ll have the first pick in next year’s draft.

   remember no one can ever make you feel inferior without your consent....never consent!

   Can Kill Two Stones With One Bird.

   used to be a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sun light

   all the while Tiger Woods is thinking "Once again, the provebial excrement hits the oscillating air device. . . "

   often wonders...when someone is dies by lethal injection, do they clean the injection site with alcohol first?

   Just put together my first "Ikea" furniture.....wow some real cardboard CRAP!.......Hey Sweden, here's a bright ikea.....KEEP IT

   I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women h

   Experts took a poll asking what part of the women do men notice first. The results stated 73% of men said women's eyes. Yea right, that's why we have a large food chain called "Pupils"

   I really wish I had a pet chimp..that would really be cool. We could dress alike and go places together. We would be best friends..

   Imagine how huge those Japanese Facebook albums must be...

   sweating like a cat in an Asian deli.

   I dont care who you are, childhood obesity is hilarious... well, unless you are the child in question...