Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wonders who first decided that female genitalia resembled a beaver? Was there a flat flapping tail? Teeth?

   We should have a "Homeless" Day....celebrated with sales of anything in a large cardboard box and maddog

   It feels like it's raining way harder when you're driving than when you step out of the car?

   I'll drink responsibly when there is a brand of vodka named Responsibly.

   I need a new, non-fatal to flamingos way to deal with stress.

   Work fascinates me...I could sit and watch someone do it for hours!!!

   Good to have a blind friend,,if you fart just plug your nose and point and nod.

   i like to scare girls a bit by telling them"We are going to meet my parents" on the first date.

   I wanted to spice it up a little for Halloween this year...so I blacked out all the 'contains nuts' labels on the snickers bars. Trick or treat?

   Just found a $5 bill in some old pants from middle school...Do you know how many rectangle pizzas with the cube pepperoni I could have bought with that?? Or better yet some mutha-f^ckin Chicken Rings...

   Walking around the kitchen, like Pac-Man when you're hungry.

   I think I have a ghost that looks just like me that also knows my every move. Everytime I brush my teeth there he is mocking my every move. He knows everything I am about to do from fake punching to moving my lips. it is kinda weird

   i get the feeling that if Herman Cain gets elected, he's gonna call Congress "the cracker box"...a building full of white ppl or "crackers"

   The most awkward part of going to a satanist church is when you get inside and everyone is wearing a snuggy.

   Um, hello Police? I'd like to report a robbery. Somebody stole one of my stats. A stat It's like, a sentence you put on a website. Hello?

   T's Lounge in West Palm Beach, Florida welcomes Octomom, Nadya Suleman July 11th thru 15th for her topless strip show. - from "Us Weekly". Write your own jokes, I'm just warning those of you in Florida about this.

   You know you're talented when you can untangle your headphones in the dark

   Tonight has been brought to you by WTF?

   Dear rest of the world, Piss off then. Plenty of other reading then...good day to you.

   Jesus was the most famous birth ever, but people sure do make a big deal about Panda's too!