Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think humans 'marching on the spot' is probably the reason aliens don't bother invading us...

   Are we running out of chickens to eat? Another student found eating brains and heart cops says!

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags? Ok, maybe I don't know what the word ‘ironic' means.

   why drink and drive when you can.....drink and watch tv

   I just spent an hour chasing a rabbit trying to take a picture of it. What has instagram done to me?.

   My bathroom scale and I have our ups and downs.

   Then repost off page 200 or earlier.. Something we didnt just see.

   They say to stay away from a girl who is a succubus.... not me, I just changed my name to Bus.

   I'll fix your computer, but I don't do Windows. ~Mac repairmen

   Text me like its being read back to you by Chris Hansen.

   Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…

   My favorite compliment of late was,,, "you're SO funny,, but seriously, are you ok?"

   My Hair: "Life is so wild and free!" My Underarms: "Life is the pits." My Crotch: "Life stinks." My Ankles: "LIFE IS CRUSHING ME!"

   I won a math-debate

   I was sooo legit, that I quit.

   If you hear a loud scream followed by crying, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   they say there is no I in TEAM but there is ME!

   Always walking away from the chemist smelling f***ing awesome

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk