Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Text me like its being read back to you by Chris Hansen.

   Everything has a purpose. The burnt fry is used to scrape off half the mayo on the burger…

   My favorite compliment of late was,,, "you're SO funny,, but seriously, are you ok?"

   My Hair: "Life is so wild and free!" My Underarms: "Life is the pits." My Crotch: "Life stinks." My Ankles: "LIFE IS CRUSHING ME!"

   I won a math-debate

   I was sooo legit, that I quit.

   If you hear a loud scream followed by crying, don't worry about it...That was just me at the gas pump filling up my car.

   they say there is no I in TEAM but there is ME!

   Always walking away from the chemist smelling f***ing awesome

   HEY!!,,,,,They're not letting me post during the intervention for my Facebook addiction.

   Two types of people that annoy me: Drunk people when I'm sober. Sober people when I'm drunk

   The stuff you do while you're procrastinating is what you should be doing for the rest of your life.

   Shout out to all mothers. The fathers know what they did.

   My guidance councilor had a poster in his office of a kitten hanging from a tree that said "You should probably go ahead and kill yourself."

   Nomophobia, the fear of being without a cell phone, is the most common phobia

   This girl in class just pulled out an antique camera and asked me to take her a picture.....Anyone remembers how to use those 35mm diposable camera from Walgreens? I totally forgot.. Do I wind it up left or right b4 the picture?

   I tried grilling a chicken at lunch time. "Ok, I'll ask you one more time. Why did you cross the road?"

   I've been trying to throw away this trash can for the past 2 months & the garbage men just keep leaving it on the sidewalk.

   Have you seen these gas prices?? I just filled up and it doubled the value of my car!!

   If even a fraction of you women were as slutty as you pretend to be here, there'd be a lot less men talking about what they do to socks.