Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I call that ass "Snooze Alarm" so you understand why I'm hitting it so much.

   I prefer to be on whichever side of the bed the sex is going to be on.

   I watch the Disney Channel, to get a sneak peek of Maxim's line up in five year.

   The only thing this world cup is missing is the vuvuzella! Said no one ever

   My favorite yoga pose is "trying to take an ass selfie."

   Do you even realize I have zeros and zeros of women lining up to get with this?

   How much for the vacation home? Sir, this is a coffin.

   Facebook in 2014 is a few people screaming from a mostly empty stage who don't realize that everyone in the audience has gone home.

   every stamp is a food stamp if you eat stamps

   Expensive jeans will NOT hide an expansive backside.

   I WAS ASKED to judge a "wet t-shirt" competition last night. Not a cake job, they were all equally wet.

   You are dating 4 people simultaneously and you say you are in a relationship? No hoe, you are in an 0rgy.

   In high school, I used to assist my teacher in Spanish class by "interpretive dancing" her lesson off to the side for "clarification"

   When our dog, Brittany, was just a puppy, I had to teach her how to drink water from a bowl. My wife was concerned that the water wasn't very clean. I assured her that it was... I flushed it three times.

   Breaking news: Police managed to floor Matt with no Sweat...

   "I enjoy long walks on the ocean"......................

   I've had this ant farm for a year now and these lazy bastids still haven't grown any crops.

   I want to have three kids than name them Ctrl, Alt, Delete than if they screw up I can hit them all at once. #ellen

   Watching people breathe gives me motion sickness.

   Missed connection: You were at the gym. I wasn't.