Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't wanna say my ex thinks her sh*t doesn't stink, but she sent a couple of her turds to Febreze suggesting they make an air freshener out of them.

   *quietly tries to open a bag of chips during doggy style*

   I'm a bird watcher. But when I go bird watching it seem to makes the men unconfortable in the men room

   Apparently grabbing your girlfriends boob, flattening it with your hands and yelling Surprise Mammogram isn't as fun for women than it is for men .

   Another celebrity just died this year....RIP Ronda Rousa Boxing Career

   Air Force One is a major downgrade for Trump! Will he stanhd for it?

   It is times like this that make me laugh at people from the south.Hurricanes & tornados, people still go to work, Snow, deserted streets and empty grocery stores.

   Negative People irks my nerves.. worry about yourself... maybe you're not getting promoted cuz you so negative!!!!

   I've stopped brushing my teeth in preparation for St. Patty's Day

   Sources say Michael Flynn may have turned on Trump and become witness for FBI, or as Donald calls them, Female Body Inspectors.

   When it comes to my omelette cheese I'm Un-American. #whitechesseplease

   I just saw a report naming the 20 worst cat food. Mine gets #1. He deserves it that cat bastid.

   I want you all to know, I read your post while pooping

   Which Knee? the left knee? the right knee?...the weenie?

   Lasik surgery is at least $500 to just fix an eye....on wheel of fortune I can buy the I for half that price

   if this 2nd stimulus goes through, I want this payment in pennies so I can swim in it like Scrooge McDuck

   Confucius say, man who gets high on rock, gets stoned.

   Okay. So they can make fake meat out of plants. Try really impressing us and make a watermelon out of a London Broil.

   I put the thingamajig in the whatchamacallit and turned doohickey and wuteveritis still doesn't work. Any ideas?

   Remember, it’s not actually a coup unless it comes from the coup d'état region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling authoritarian takeover.