Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   When I find myself in times of trouble, Julie Andrews comes to me, singing words of wisdom, do re mi.

   Triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

   Half of the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

   The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.

   I live at work and visit the house sometimes.

   Every day is a half day, if you just leave.

   You learn nothing from life if you think that you’re right all the time.

   When you’re about to spend half a grand shopping online, but then you notice that $15.00 shipping charge…. Not Today!

   When we were young, we were given the impression that strangers would offer us drugs much more often than has happened in real life.

   When a dog wags it’s tail, it’s happy. When a cat wags it’s tail, step back.

   Hope this e-mail doesn’t find you. Hope you’ve escaped and are free.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   Gonna start a page called Older Fans, where it’s just me telling everyone what hurts today and what miniscule task I was doing that caused the pain. Today it’s: My back ~ The rain.

   Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”

   Never interrupt your opponent while he's making a mistake.