Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5 of 6376
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Stop trying to please people who don’t like you and embrace the joy of being the most annoying person they’ve ever met. 😊
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01-24-2023 00:18
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Apparently, “the vibes are off” isn’t a good enough excuse to leave work early.
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04-22-2022 00:13
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Cats are starting pyramid schemes and dogs are falling for them.
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04-22-2022 23:19
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You don’t lose friends. You lose undercover haters. Real friends can never be lost.
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01-07-2023 15:00
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When you tell your girl to shave her baby maker and you wake up bald.
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01-18-2023 01:21
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Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.
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01-06-2023 19:59
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“I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.
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01-07-2023 12:20
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![messageicon](images/button/quote.png)
Just heard my knee crack so loud, I expected it to glow in the dark.
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01-07-2023 13:45
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China Hut: People that don’t like cats, just haven’t had them prepared properly.
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06-08-2022 01:36
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There are some incredibly dumb people in this world. Thank you for helping me understand that.
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01-23-2023 03:49
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![messageicon](images/button/quote.png)
We often clean our homes when people are coming over so we can maintain the façade of a clean house that we’ve seen from going to other people’s homes who clean their house to maintain the façade of having a clean house.
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01-13-2023 02:23
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All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.
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01-07-2023 12:58
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My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂
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01-23-2023 03:04
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![messageicon](images/button/quote.png)
If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
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01-10-2023 02:21
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Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.
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06-19-2022 02:39
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When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.
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06-24-2022 23:15
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Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.
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01-09-2023 03:40
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Child: I learned a joke at school. Me: Okay, let’s hear it. Child: What goes in stiff, but comes out soft? Me: Child: Me: Child: Me: Is it a- Wife comes running in from another room: IT’S SPAGHETTI! SPAGHETTI!
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01-13-2023 02:20
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![messageicon](images/button/quote.png)
You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.
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06-21-2022 22:44
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Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.
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06-28-2022 23:47
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