Funny Status Messages

   Having your gf/bf break up with you and saying: We can still be friends. Is like your dog dying and you mom saying: You can still keep it

   to the two men who laughingly dismissed the cute blonde walking in front of us because "she's got muffin top": SO DO YOU, you just cleverly hide your early-30s pudge in those relaxed-fit Dockers you're wearing. P.S. You are balding.

   having a threesome with aunt jemima & mrs. butterworth

   I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it

   I Wish 2010 Brings You 12 Months of Happiness,52 Weeks of Fun,365 Days of Success,8760 Hours of Good Health, 52600 Minutes of Good Luck and 3153600 Seconds of Joy!

   Show me a man that doesn't cheat and I'll show you a woman who minds her own business

   Our FedEx guy keeps delivering diapers & formula but I didn't order any. And he cries when he holds the baby. Weird, huh?

   I'm allergic to tequila, I break out in handcuffs.

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   I'm so British that I stick my pinki out when I masturbate

   Man this is a tough supermarket. Sign above the register says "12 items or else".

   Fact Checkers didn't exist until the truth started to get out.

   I think maybe I'll move to Lexington, VA, buy the Red Hen restaurant, and convert it into a Chick-fil-A.

   Just bought some of that new Pelosi Vodka at the Liquor Store. It has no proof, either.

   Does it make you wonder why the mooslims in congress are so upset we took out a killer

   Hillary Clinton was caught telling the truth today.... April Fools!

   Marijuana IS a gateway drug.. It leads to sweatpants and Cheetos.

   "H3y what r yhu dooinq?" ... About to throw a dictionary at your face.

   Call it whatever you want... I'm still calling the Hummer H2, "The Douche Bag Container."

   why is Betty White singing at halftime of the Super Bowl??