Funny Status Messages

   How long can I stay in a voting booth and scream "I'M STILL THINKING!!!!" before I'm physically removed? Let me know by November.

   What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   Confucius said: "To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid."

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   Since the NSA knows my porn preferences, maybe they can suggest some new content.

   Today is Earth Day. The best way celebrate it just came to me. I'm going to go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   When you like someone but they want you to meet their friend, it's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   Turkish ruler Erdogan was at the White House this week. Sources say he arrived very early so he could beat the crowd.

   The world overdosing on stupidity, having already destroyed the antidote.

   4 out of 3 people struggle with math

   People who work on their tablets all day and play games all night are burning the Kindle at both ends.