Funny Status Messages

   My New Year's Resolution? 1080p.

   Condoms aren't completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus

   The #1 biggest lie from a girl: I'm fine...

   For me? Golf is a lot like women..... if she isn't holding my wood, she better be holding an iron.

   If your happy and you know it, Go away

   Ghetto Word of the Day: Window “Imma pay my baby mamma her child support. I just don't know window”.

   And Stonner Duudde is stealing from Marshell, who's stealing from Dane cook! Stop the madness!

   I spend 500% of my life exaggerating!

   I'm sweating like Jerry Sandusky at a Boy Scout camp.

   A: I forgot my glasses, I can't read sh*t! B: You're not supposed to read sh*t, you're supposed to read books… Unless you're a Twilight fan. Then you read sh*t!

   Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

   You know, when you think about it, based on her color and size Snookie would make a great buoy.

   I took 3 years of college chemistry and never once learned how to cook meth so don't tell me about your disappointments.

   They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but they also say revenge is sweet. I think what they're trying to say is revenge is ice cream

   If gay couple want to get married and be just as miserable as straight couples, let'em.

   Son: Dad, what's a hypocrite?.... Me: It's when an idiot wants to change the name of a football team while putting Aunt Jemima syrup on waffles.

   Breaking News : The Army has been in contact with Tom Brady for advice on how to deflate the lost blimp.

   Can someone's face be a pet peeve?

   People tend to hurry up at the ATM if you stand behind them with an erection. Just saying.

   The difference between what you say and who you are is what you do.