Funny Status Messages

   You can do better than you ever thought possible when you stop looking at others progress and be your own competition.

   I was really counting on winning the Powerball. I was also counting on getting run over by a bus driven by a bear.

   Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face simply because their laugh is so annoying?? Or is it just me?

   One time I was stranded on a kitchen island for 4 years. It was delicious.

   Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.

   The fact that hot divorced women exist is proof they all have some crazy in them...

   Okay, Earth Day is over, we can start f**king up the planet again........

   For the price of a one year membership to the gym, I can replace my entire wardrobe with larger clothes

   I put the ass in passionate.

   Before you get married ask yourself: is this the person you want to watch stare at their phone the rest of your life?

   I didn't reply to your text because I never got it. I also didn't like some of the things it said.

   one thing the I learn from the The Fast and the Furious movies is there is not enough cops in L.A, Miami, Tokyo and Brazil and there is no fat girls Either 

   BREAKING: Penn State to keep Paterno statue, but plan to move it into the showers....Or something like that?

   I'll et the same underage 14yr old Chinese worker who made the United States Olympic uniforms is the same 14yr old that beats us to win the Gold Medal in Gymnastics!!!

   Dude, she has a Boyfriend! So, soccer has a goalie doesn't mean you can't still score!

   The Care Bears taught me so much growing up... no not the emotional crap. They taught me it was OK to stare.

   The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.

   On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.

   i don't have a bucket list.. but my F$cket list is a mile long

   Lincoln mentioned? check...Reagan mentioned? Check. CRAP!! if Obama or Romney would of would of mentioned "Tebow" I would of had bingo on my card!