Funny Status Messages
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Name 2 things that get smoked in bowls?.......Marijuana and Notre Dame Football 
My mother told me: "alcohol is your worst enemy." Jesus said: "love your enemy." Case closed.
She removed her jeans threw it to me and said ``Make me feel like a woman``... and I removed my trouser threw it 2 her and said ``wash them both...
One nation...over weight...with high fructose corn syrup for all!
I'd like to return this pack of gum. They taste awful. "Sir, those are Band-Aids." Oh, I'd like to return these Band-Aids. Someone ate some.
I didn't hear the sea when I held a Shell up. I did however get 6 years in jail for armed robbery on a Gas Station
I do not understand why people create gags about 10.10.10, 11.11.11 or 12.12.12 while everyone knows that nothing can replace the curiosity of 36.24.36
My doctor said that jogging could add years to my life. I didn't believe him at first, but I went this afternoon and I feel ten years older already
OJ Simpson is back in court. He's gained weight. Apparently the only knife OJ has been using lately is the butter knife.
diagonally parked in a parallel universe
Being bisexual is the ability to reach down someone's pants and be satisfied with whatever you find.
Stevie Wonder's nephew was charged with trying to extort his famous uncle....I guess Stevie never saw that coming!
What do you call a woman who talks and wants to cuddle after sex? ......A taxi.
Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming forks for making Rosie O'Donnell fat.
How to get comments on facebook......oops I thought this was google
I survived Y2K, Bird Flu, Mad Cow, 9/11 and Swine Flu. 2012, Here I Come!
Gonna try grocery shopping drunk. Can't believe I've never thought if this before.
wondering if you can do me a favor? Tell me if this rag smells like chloroform.
went to the sex shop to get a new toy and is now very disappointed. I picked the big red one featured on the wall., and they told me to pick another one. Supposedly, that was their fire extinguisher...and here I thought it was just cleverly named!
I was in the nany for about 40 minutes until they kicked me out. Turns out the poop deck isn't what I thought it was. Man were they angry. 