Funny Status Messages
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Think I've been staying home isolating for too long as I just watched a Hallmark holiday Christmas movie in its entirety and I actually thought it wasn't corny. 
kicked out of the bowling alley for dribbling again
My Grandmother is telling me a story of how my Grandfather turned into a sex machine after he got Alzheimer’s bc he thought she was his hot new girlfriend and would tell her, “you’re nothing like that hellcat I was married to”
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence. Is this true? I have my doubts.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
You don't have insomnia, you have a f#cked up sleeping pattern.
Yes, m@sturbation is a pleasant, yet quick diversion. Scratching one's own b@lls however, can provide hours and hours of limitless entertainment. At least that's what my dad says.
I don't hate you, it's just my attitude has some major issues with your personality.
This is nothing but a sausage fest ~ guy working at Jimmy Dean
If you don't have any critics, you probably don't have any success either!
Love is always giving more than you can spare.
If they bought food instead of paints and brushes, there would be far less Starving Artist's.
So glad I'm a guy. Haven't fought with a friend since 1985.
If you use the term YOLO, then you are more than likely using these other popular phrases: “Would you like fries with that?” “Welcome to Walmart.” “Yes Officer. You may search my car under the terms of my probation.”
It's cool how my wife can have an entire argument with me without me ever saying a word.
i hope to one day be important enough to have my own Wikipedia page...
So,,, The dog won our farting contest... I'm going to bed to think about what I could've done differently.
Oh, you're a model? What's your agency? Instagram?
If facebook had an anonymous button, then all hell would break loose. 