Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.

   I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.

   : Everytime I hear the dirty word "excercise", I wash my mouth with chocolate.....

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.

   discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters. Here we go again, here's 2 dressed as policemen.....

   What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?

   Accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today. I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived each other and got really hopeful about the future.

   Those 50 workers that stayed and are trying to stop full nuclear meltdown at the reactor in Japan are super heroes or the last of the Kamikaze's as far as I'm concerned...God Speed!!

   Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.

   It has been brought to my attention that the stick figure decals on the back windows of vehicles are NOT pedestrian "kill" scores, but, actually are meant to represent members of your family. I'll be removing mine asap to avoid any further confusion

   I've never been skydiving,, but I've zoomed in on Google Earth really really fast.

   When people go underwater during movies, I like to hold my breath and see if I would have survived that situation. I died at Finding Nemo.