Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wanted to bake a cake from scratch, but I'm out of scratch.

   I'm thinking the woman with 4 kids on leashes at Walmart should probably stop buying her condoms at Walmart.

   Strip search? Fine but I'm going to need some background music.

   Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife's home.

   The biggest difference between mistletoe and camel toe is the length of the kiss.

   Scientists have created a mutant version of the deadly 1918 Spanish flu virus in an effort to better understand how pandemics start. I'm not a scientist, but this is how pandemics start.

   My first mistake was thinking she couldn't hit a moving target.

   How long do I need to be in therapy before I forget the time in gym class when I was hit in the stomach with a dodge ball and farted?

   Don't think I won't eat this pudding cup just because I don't have a spoon. It's about to be the best 15 min. of this pudding cups life.

   I don't understand why people have to say hurtful things. Like "let's go to the gym" or " try this kale"

   believes NASA could help erase some of the national debt by charging to take people up in the shuttle that need to discover the world doesn't revolve around them.

   This just in...Blown up COLLAGEN injected lips are NOT sexy. People notice but not in a good way. We actually snicker and mock you. Thank you that is all.

   Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.

   It is amazing how many people have bad reactions to gluten, peanuts, and facts.

   No one wears 'Build Back Better' swag out of pride.

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   Im tired.Ive just finished painting all the rocks in my garden white...Just in case my neighbour wants a snow ball fight later this week.

   I feel like we should wait to hear Adele's ex-boyfriend's songs before we choose sides.

   Irony = People complaining on Facebook one day about their problems and the next day telling people to mind their own business.

   My house phone is only good for calling my cellphone when I lose it.