Funny Status Messages

   When reality kicks in… add more booze.

   You should see the places I've been on my stationary bike

   The tortoise and the hare is a classic fable, but the moral only helps you when racing a guy who takes a nap with a big enough lead.

   When the wife and kids go on vacation, I always keep the neighbors on edge by placing rectangular mounds of dirt throughout the yard.

   still in a relationship. Cuz I didnt win the mega millions

   Bubba Watson looks like Latka from the TV show Taxi

   It is impossible to cut a cheese tray without eating the irregular cuts.

   As I got older, I thought my attitiude was starting to mellow out. Come to find out that the reason was I just didn't give a f*ck anymore!

   I believe in Karma That means I should be able to do bad things to people I don't like and assume they deserved it .

   There should be three options for facebook posts. "Like", "Dislike", and "Yep, I'm In The 95 Percentile That Doesn't Get It".

   I wonder what happened to those sexy female bodyguards of Ghaddafi.

   You know you're irritated when somebody tells you to "have a nice day" and you respond with, "Don't tell me what to do!" -__-

   Facebook seriously needs to start asking some people, “Are you SURE you want to post that stupidity?" before it allows them to update their status.

   Turns out they'll sell a wizard hat to just anybody!

   Ahh, Subway. It's the only place on Earth where you can force a woman to make you a sandwich and she can't tell you to f$ck off.

   Dumb girls....... Quit trying to look like us in photos, it's embarrassing to our species. Sincerely, Ducks.

   Maybe it's just me, but I don't mind when a woman gives me the silent treatment...I can finally hear the t.v. then!

   yesterday the ladies celebrated "National No Bra Day." Today the men celebrate "Back To Eye Contact Day" (worst holiday of the year).

   The most awkward part of a murder/suicide pact has to be deciding who goes first.

   Women need a reason to cheat, men just need another woman.