Funny Status Messages

   I helped a little old lady with a new 60 in. TV cross the road this afternoon. The guy in the car next to me even joined in as we honked our horns repeatedly.

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years now, so don't come to me with your issues

   I can't wait till I retire so I can get up at 6 am and drive everywhere slow AF.

   Mark Zuckerburg owns Instagram, Facebook and Whatsapp. All he needs now is Twitter then he owns all of our little secrets

   At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.

   Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store

   29th Feb would have been an ideal day to get married.......imagine the money you can save from buying anniversary gifts

   When I'm feeling down and someone says "Keep your chin up!" I get the urge to break their legs with a baseball bat and tell them "Walk it off!"

   Spring is acting like a deadbeat dad... like are you coming or not.

   My phone rang so now I need to get a new one.

   Them: What's your favorite food? Me: Yes.

   After all the "Stormy" there's some "Sunshine" in the white house

   I stopped complaining about my insomnia when I found out most of my relatives died in their sleep.

   My virginity was protected for a long time by a force field or awkwardness.

   Woman aks pharmacy clerk if they sold extra large comdoms. Clerk said yes, would like a pack? No she replied. But I'd like to wait here untill someone does.

   Animals are our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport

   My mind reels at the changes that will happen in the next 108 years before the Cubs' next World Series.

   Spice up your otherwise trite wedding by making the groomsmen act as pallbearers and carry the groom to the altar in a casket.

   70% of our planet is covered in water, the other 30% is covered in idiots.

   The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.