Funny Status Messages

   To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.

   Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS4 in return.

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some single women have more than one baby daddy?

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   Bruce Jenner has barely admitted to transitioning to be a female and has already begun to drive as bad as one.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.

   This Country is at War!........with itself!!!

   It sucks when you make a really awesome post but then someone steals your glory with an even better comment.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight.",

   I'll take Same Crap/Different Day Alex for 200

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad

   Some people may hate you for being different & not living by society's standards, but deep down... they wish they had the courage to do the same

   OH MY LORD!! I almost sat down on the toilet without my droid...

   Tough times don't last but tough people do. -Macho man Randy Savage

   My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she's died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.

   One step forward for cancer research, two steps back for women getting men to go down on them. Thanks, Michael Douglas

   FUN SCIENCE FACT: When an Australian reads a really stupid post,,,, They roll their eyes counterclockwise

   Whenever a friend shows me a picture of their boyfriend who's unattractive & they say "he's a keeper" I'm thinking, "yeah in the basement"