Funny Status Messages

   Imagine having an IQ low enough to enjoy watching love island.

   I'm an artistic representation of beautiful intentions and horrible decisions.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   I hear reincarnation is making a come back.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   high school led us to believe that so much of our adult working lives would require poster board

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   You know you're relationship is in trouble when you realize you care more about your dog than your significant other.

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?"

   Pumpkin for sale. Slightly used

   Before you ask me for life advice, you should know that I make big decisions by shaking a Magic 8 Ball and cranking up Van Halen's "Jump".

   The recipe said "prick with a fork,",,,, but enough about me.

   Irony is these two idiots at Starbucks complaining about the price of gas.

   After tomorrow we'll no longer be hating folks because of their candidate. We can go back hating them for how they eat, or what movie they like

   5 Stages of Grief: 1. Denial 2. Anger 3. Complaining online 4. Complaining online 5. Complaining online