Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hope when I die, it's early in the morning so I don't go to work that day for no reason.

   Girlfriend: Mick, I'm miserable in our relationship. Me: FOR REAL? Girlfriend: Yes. I can't sleep. I can't eat. I've lost 10 lbs. Me: So you're saying it's over? Girlfriend: Well, not yet. I wanna lose 15.

   No one has more to say than the woman who says she doesn't want to talk about it.

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide.

   Airport security asked me if I'd seen anything unusual. Well, I just paid eighteen dollars for a turkey sandwich and a bottle of beer, let's start with that.

   Aliens probably lock their doors when they ride past earth.

   A recent study found that the possibly of work place violence increases significantly when someone puts Christmas music on the office radio in mid-November.

   May all your troubles last as long as your New Year's resolutions!

   I work in Customer Service because I'm really good at apologizing for things that aren't my fault.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   Tinder is for rookies. I just went to Facebook Marketplace and searched for wedding dresses. I found dozens of recently divorced women and I could filter them by size.

   a married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy

   it just me or doesn't anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?

   For $5 you can either get your girl approximately 2 flowers from a florist OR you can get her an ENTIRE costco rotisserie chicken. that’s all I'm sayin. the choice is yours

   If a US citizen lies to Congress, it's 20 years in federal prison, but if a US Congressperson lies to citizens, it's another 2 years in office

   When I was a kid I figured out how to play the piano by ear. After a while I learned that it was easier to use my fingers.

   You bring everyone a lot of joy, when you leave the room.

   It’s so cold, I saw chickens lined up outside KFC waiting their turn in the deep fryer.

   Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space