Funny Status Messages

   I am never affected, moved or swayed by the sheer numbers of people in any particular group for I know that even idiots and fools know how to congregate.

   Welcome to ticketmaster. Please enter the 2 completely illegible words to search for tickets. If you can't read the words, click here for two more completely illegible words.

   If being asleep is becoming the favorite part of your day it might be time to make some changes in your life!

   Alcohol: Giving you the ambition to do anything, while simultaneously taking away your capability to do so.

   I'm sorry we fought. I hate it when you're wrong.

   Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I'm "the one," but isn't talking to a police officer.

   Some people deserve to get eggs thrown at them. Brick shaped eggs....made of bricks.

   You should know you'll get loud when you start drinking. It says right there on the label, "Alcohol by volume."

   People who say they don't have any problems are lying to you, but at least give them credit for not telling you about them.

   Men and women shop differently. Men know what they want before they see it. Women don't know what they want until they see it.

   •Life is not fair, but life is not fair for everyone... which actually makes it fair.

   How come if you eat two cookies you gain 3 lbs. Then when you take a major dump, you don't lose anything?

   How funny is it when you're telling somebody a made-up story and someone says "Oh yeah I heard about that?"

   Woke up this morning after a heavy night of drinking to find out that I'd gone bald. Which is strange because normally I go for brunettes.

   "Woman impregnated at Motorhead concert seeks father on Craigslist." And they say romance is dead

   My wife doesn't appreciate that I love her mother in law more than I love mine.

   Usually, the one you want, is the one you can't have.

   The best time to give kids advice is when they're still young enough to believe you.

   If the past calls, let it go to voicemail. It has nothing new to say.

   Considering I'm still sitting here in my underwear eating beef jerky and Reese's peanut butter cups, you all may want to chose someone else to take advice from today!