Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's kinda weird realizing that we are the last generation on this earth to know what life was like before social media.

   We need to start drilling for eggs on our own soil.

   Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.

   Don't expect me to stop if you break down on the road. I'm sure that you were warned about your car's warranty expiring.

   Just got back from a Rocky Mountain Oyster Fest in Colorado. It was Nuts!

   Lotto Max is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   I no longer want to go through things that don't kill me but make me stronger.

   Yes, I didn't get the halftime show. I also didn't attend an F-rated school, I'm not part of the 13% that commits 60% of violent crimes, and I know who to send the Father's Day card to on Father's Day.

   The universe noticed a big pile of used, dirty rags in its laundry room. Instead of washing them, it put them on social media as narcissistic women.

   I just saw a guy with a "Support Dyslexia" bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   It amazing how much people LeBron James has triggered for his common sense views. I wish I had his talents.

   Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them

   I bet there is just a lot of awkward silence after a mime orgy.

   If an old dude ever gives you advice while peeling an apple with a pocket knife and eating pieces right off the blade, you should probably take it.

   It was so hot in our apartment last night, to cool off I slept on my air hockey table."

   Just imagine how many lives have been saved by telemarketers calling the random number of a terrorist's cell phone detonated explosive device. "Hello, I'm calling about your cars extended". . . KABOOM!

   Hurricane Idalia is slowly heading north at 8 mph. Kinda like a person of color driving in the left lane on I-95.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   I bought a watch at a secondhand store and it's real slow. I played cards with my buddies later that evening and the second hand lost a second every second hand.

   Sons Teacher on zoom: On December 21st Saturn and Jupiter will align to form the Christmas star. Me in background: pssst....son ask her where Uranus will be? Son: Teacher where will Uranus be? Teacher: Well it will be over here. [Points to map] Son: Uranu