Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Panzerband. Duct Tape. Klebebänder. Papierklebeband. Alle Sorten. Malerkrepp. Malerfolie. Doppelklebeband. Teppichband. Schaumklebeband. Alu-Band, Alu-Klebeband. Werkzeug. Hochwertige Waren vom Produzent. Fabrikverkauf. Versand am gleichen Tag

   In your face! They are now known as The Exonerated Five now. No matter what your God says, that will never change.

   Both corn and beer looks the same on the way in as they do on the way out.

   I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao

   Apparently I am turned on when me boss wears a short skirt. I found that out the hard way.

   I'm in the checkout isle and the guy behind me is smirking. What I'm buying: Hamster food, prunes, Vaseline and toilet paper. So I mouth 11pm?

   The first person to make a Kenny Roger's Roasters cremation joke is gonna get a swift... never mind. It's me.

   Hasn't been a lot of UFO sightings lately which makes me wonder if everyone staring down at the phones has anything to do with that?

   There is no pain you are receding. Britney Spears,

   Opening a restaurant calling it: New Pho, Who Dish?

   70% of Facebook users have a Girlfriend/Boyfriend/Married… LIKE if you love food.

   Its kinda awkward seeing Chris Brown dance around after seeing him naked...

   Google where is my girlfriend? I can't find her!

   Your plethora of knowledge on Pakastani Volcanoes creates a plethora of barf that I'd like to extend to you as my way of saying I hate you.

   Wow! The economy is so bad people are even stealin from Dr.Suess now!

   Allen Iverson has retired more times than he practiced

   I want to share something with each and every one of you..... Your money.

   FYI: if you order a mcflurry 8 days in a row,, that's called a "McTurbo"... and they have to let you see the shed where they keep grimace

   That's for caring enough to tell everyone on the internet how much you don't care about what people think about you, people that care.

   Someday my kids will find my Twitter account and finally understand why we can't have nice things.