Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a kid, I used to watch The Wizard of Oz and wonder how the scarecrow could talk without a brain. Then I watched Biden speak🤪

   I'm going to take my paycheck to the bank. It's too small to go there by itself.

   There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.

   ironic he died in a car accident with the last name Walker

   I just danced with 3 burglars with no weiners

   Hi, I joined a cult. *got an air fryer

   I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

   Somedays You just have to have an Attitude of Gratitude !

   2 years ago I forgot to get halloween candy so I put a bowl out with some pre rolled joints ! I got 6 kids ! Last year , 673 stoners got chips

   Honey is one of my favorite kind of animal vomit to eat.

   Marriage tip: Ladies, when you're arguing with your spouse, just remind them "one of us is right, and the other one is YOU".

   Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

   Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.

   We used to experiment with launching monkeys into space. Now it is CEOs. Progress.

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking the intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   Cancer isn't cancer.

   I'm hungrier and more frustrated than a legless Ethiopian watching a donut roll down a hill.

   I put seat belts on my dining room chairs because mom's lasagna is THAT good and also I had the same 4th grade teacher for 2 years straight.

   There's a contaminated water scare in my town and I haven't used my bidet in two days because I don't want E. coli in my bum.

   If you don't remember the last woman you made love to, you must be Gay or Married