Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   “Who controls the past controls the future. Who controls the present controls the past.”

   There is a new singing comedian sex offender ... His name is Bing Cosby

   .... Dammit my six pack has turned into a keg ... time to hit the gym again.

   Remember fellas, no matter how good or so hot she looks, and yet she's single it most likely means someone got tired of putting up with her B.S.

   I remember years ago my wife would undress and her torso would look like the hottest thing ever. Nowadays when she undresses, her torso looks like Homer Simpson.

   Pay attention, 007,,, This might look's like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button,, a handle comes out and you can wheel it."

   In Yugoslavia. In Yugoslavia, you never starve.. Great stones song man ...

   RIP Gene Wilder, everyone loved Willy Wonka, the only movie most people think you ever did....

   It took a lot of Native Americans to convince the government that water is Good for everyone But the government still wants to wipe them out.

   Other Classic Jimmy Fallon Bits: 1) Coyishly rubbing oil on Putin's bare chest. 2) Playing footsie with Saddam Hussein. 3) Tugging Osama's beard.

   What to exercise today? Spots hottie in shorts. Gets on random machine nearby. Carefully follows her around gym.

   My wife says we will only eat orange Skittles while watching the second presidential debate.

   make america a vast wilderness again

   KARMARIFIC : My new word For when karma gets someone so sweetly ..It's Karmarific !

   ou do Waiters in the Restaurant always ask you as soon as you enter,"Would You Like a Table Sir?” … “No not at all, I came to the Restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please.”

   If your #PMSing wife hands you #lemons, you better zest them or make lemonade or she'll stab you & squeeze lemon juice into the open wound.

   I just got back from a cannibal Thanksgiving get together. ..... I had a ball.

   I'm finally opening my Christmas gifts. I have to hand it to my family, when you talk about recycling, they define the term. The boxes are old. I mean boxes with Christmas Seals on them from 1957 and held t

   Now we'll never know how to get to Sesame Street!

   Whenever Kids Says Mummy I Love, Just Say Start Talking Because They Need Something