Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anyone remember a time before Facebook when you how to get your selfies developed then go around to all your friends houses to see if they liked them? Yeah neither do I.

   I have a hug for whoever needs one....um I mean virtual hug as I'm practice the 6 foot rule.

   If you're low on TP, just take a bunch of anti-diarrhea medicine. Problem solved!

   I've been working a side hustle delivering for restaurants and so far as I can tell, those X-rated movies are bull crap.

   Coronavirus is like a Thanos you can't see

   n't Coors Light a redundancy?

   Peppa Pig's Daddy: " No, kids, I never porked Mommy. That'd be redundant."

   I miss the old everybody. Ain't nobody the same no more.

   Running out of ideas for entertainment. Thinking about asking the neighborhood to gather in the street 6' apart and do the Hokey Pokey. After all, that is what it's all about.

   After the coronavirus passed I'm going to be in need a facebookers anonymous meeting.

   The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

   Witchcraft is when your boyfriend uses different condom flavour's on every round 🍎🍆🍇🍓🍒🍐🍉🍍 you go home smelling like fruit salad.

   Why do ugly strippers charge as much as the pretty ones?

   A woman's marriage proposal........ I'm pregnant

   "Just rewards: Being the judge that willbe judging a hearing of your high school bully."

   Are conjoined twin girls joined at the hip called hipsters?

   I had to quit drinking caffeine on DOCTOR'S orders and Alcohol on COURT orders.

   Thanks to Maury I've only had to buy one Mother's Day gift for several years.

   New drinking game! Have to drink every time Wolf Blitzer says "Votes"

   A recent survey shows men lie more than women. How do we know they were telling the truth though?