Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and always will be the man (most of you have to grow some before using this)

   i want to be a bird so dat I can poop anywhere and on anyone I want

   ust received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

   given up trying to understand the Indian project manager. If I try it causes migraines.

   giggles everytime I see a "no shoes, no shirt, no service" sign. I am guessing that they don't care if you come in bare a$$ed?

   Smokey: No sugar? Damn. Y'all ain't never got two things that match. Either y'all got Kool-aid, no sugar. Peanut butter, no jelly. Ham, no burger. Daaamn.

   "Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back." But I quit three years ago and never came back and I won't

   Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them??

   Two blondes walk into a bar. You'd think the second would've seen it.

   "Can I have more of these mouse spears?" "Sir those are toothpicks" "I need 1000 for my army. We march at dawn"

   Ugly old women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   Does anyone know when Facebook is sending out our W2's?

   "Hi Kids! Wanna see how I lost all this weight playing hide the salami? And you might get to see my footlong!!! (which is actually 11")

   I just read an article on Yahoo that says the high-risk areas for Lyme disease is growing. I'm pretty sure I have it! Um... I think mine might be Lemon-Lyme disease... Uh... It might not be a disease, exactly... Anywhoo... I like 7-up!

   I just read an article that Black Friday in Ferguson was a smash hit....

   Just found out the Dukes of Hazzard weren't really royalty it was just the last name they lied! Hollywood is a liar!

   If you shoot a spider, the sound will make your neighbor call the cops. So shoot your neighbor instead, cause the spider won't call the cops

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand

   taking away a Trans-gender bathroom that critical to people?

   Christmas - The time of year when you can get the whole dysfunctional family together under one roof!