Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   2 more for today Do you want some Hot Lesbein Sex and by Lez sex I mean Tea but it will still be hot

   not an actor on TV but is one in real life.

   It took a lot of persuasion and reasoning on my part at this 'all-you-can-eat' buffet, but anyway... long story short... I'm about to blow the busboy.

   "Hello 911?" "There's a guy on TV that wants me to feed kids in Africa 15 pennies a day and I'd like to file a complaint... Yes, I'll hold."

   I will stop Loving you, when an Apple fruit grows on a mango tree, on the 30th Day of February ♥

   Had a Children's Message at church today. Pastor has a bunch of sports equpment. Asks the kids what each is used for. They all tell what sport they are for. When he hold up a bible my kid raises her hand and says "that's what pastors play with!"

   OPERATOR: "9-1-1 please hold." ME: "Hey, Fire can you finish cooking the food before the house?" FIRE: "The one in the Pantry or on the Stove?"

   Do jews celebrate labor day or do they gotta be different like usual

   Took the kids to the zoo today and spent the first 30 mins explaining why the animals are not in alphabetical order like their favorite book

   Brexiters who’ve spent 18 months saying ‘you lost, get over it’ are still waiting to discover what they’ve won.

   * To help my bored stay at home friends to past the time, I made a DVD video of his dumbest speeches to watch.

   I hate when I remember I'm not American and have to work tomorrow.

   in the studio with Chris Brown making new 'beats' for his album.

   Street Racing is like Special Olympics. Even if you win you're still a retard.

   Please read! URGENT! FACEBOOK VIRUS ALERT. An email recently went out to women asking them to post the color of their bra. THIS IS A VIRUS. To fix it, you must remove your bra, then go to Settings>Enable Webcam> Record Movie> Send to me ;) lol

   I wish black folks would stop looking to the academy awards and other white based award shows for validation--i dont even watch that bullsh**. I'll take the NAACP Image Awards and other prestigious black awards that validate black talent anyday over the o

   I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an Oughtobiography.

   I'm currently writing a folk song about bland pudding, it's called "That's Pudding it Mildly"

   Teachers: Want to motivate your students? When you give them back a failed test, staple a Burger King application to it.

   Next time the bank calls me to tell me I’m overdrawn, I’m gonna tell them “We are aware of the situation and are working to repair it”.