Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im ont a big fan of twilight but it does help the ego hearing the ladies say how sexy they think Edward is

   Thought for the day . The most important letter in the world is U

   The Mystery Machine gang were the first Ghost Hunters to debunk ghosts..

   Tell me and I'll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I'll understand. Sex is best learned by doing.

   "touch wood", not everything I say is misunderstood for a sexual euphemism!

   I became the employee of the month at Pizza Hut just by flirting. So... You like breadsticks?

   The book "Women For Dummies" would have a picture of my Ex on it.

   there any slight chance to spend a night out without getting the brute hangoverin the morning?!- sign a dieing man

   Happy Hump Day and Leap Day! A word of caution: try not to do both at once I dunno for sure but it may be dangerous. You could try humping then leaping or leaping then humping? Either way just be safe.

   I can see it now... New season of Teen Mom special edition featuring snooki

   We're all adults here, you can say "p0rn" instead of "late night commercial"

   people are so stupid now a days....I am now describing myself as having uncommon sense

   Thinking about standing outside "Magic Mike" showings with sign that reads, "Displaced Exotic Dancer: Homeless" early retirement, here I come!

   Let's pretend to be who we really are

   Things Men Think: Wedding plans take care of themselves.

   Save water, Shower with a friend.

   the fact that I can order Domino's in my underwear without leaving my bed has proven how far technology has really came.... and how fuc%in' lazy I have also became.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   I need to stop reading into things like the song "You're So Vain", probably isn't about me and just becuase she thinks you're funny doesn't mean anything but that.

   Have a headache take medicine, side effects- drowsiness, hunger, loss of family and baldness up to three months,