Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   DC Comics announces Batman will be coming out of the closet to reveal himself as a homosexual. I'm not surprised, with as much time the boy wonder spent in his cave.

   i saw on the news that miami police shot a naked guy chewing on another guys face... there is no joke here. I thought that in its self was funny.

   Have you ever wanted to tell some one "Maybe you should eat some make-up so you can be pretty on the inside?"

   My girlfriend doesn't like it when I talk about her weight, she thinks it's a heavy subject

   I can't decide whether to have another beer or just take all these sleeping pills.

   I wonder what would happen if I burn the tip of this branch on my Christmas tree? WHOOOOFFF

   The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne

   My daddy didn't come to my play in 2nd grade so now I do MMA.

   I heard you went to see the doctor and told him that you wanted a little wart removed; so he had you thrown out of his office.

   What do women and A 10 Pin bowling ball have in common .??

   They should rename Bass Pro Shop to, Fat, bald white man store, thats all you ever see when you walk in

   have you humped or got humped yet today?

   Sorry Toby Keith. If they ever come out with a "Mossy Oak" design, your song about the "red" Solo cup is screwed!!!

   went to a bar thought I wouldnt see anybody I know cause I never go there, and there it is bunch of alcaholic I know.

   swears that my pillow must be a hair stylist because I wake up every morning with the weirdest hair dos

   it bad that everytime I see a blind person and their dog I want to honk like I'm about to hit them and see what they do?

   HEIGHT OF INNOCENCE: Girl applying medicine to her nipples thinking they are pimples.

   took you to dinner,a movie,then for drinks,get back to your house then tell me you have your period (・_・)ノ”(ノ_<)

   ya know...i tried tap dancing once, but I had to give it up....i kept falling into the sink!

   Ladys, can you PLEASE keep your dam toenails clipped, I'm tired of em scratching my dam ears!